I sit here on my computer doing my physics homework on a Friday night. I listen to Mormon Tabernacle Choir radio on Pandora and I enjoy it. For some reason being quiet and doing what I should to plan for the future is more appealing than partying. I question myself, as others often do, about why I do this. Why do I throw myself so violently and forcefully into school. Why do I freak myself out about the world. Why do I have anxiety. Why can’t I help but focus on the what ifs. What if when I’m out with friends that we get terribly hurt. What if when I hang out instead of do homework, I am sacrificing something so valuable that it could change my life. What if each text I send and game I play is taking me farther and farther away from my dream college and job. What if, what if, what if.
What if these what if’s are the reason I struggle with feeling like people really do enjoy my company.
What if. Why. Why me.
I don’t know everything, in fact I know very little about anything compared to my Heavenly Father. Which is the only thing that keeps me sane. The knowledge I have of God and my Savior is the only reason that I am not driven mad by my never ending illogical questions. Those questions that don’t have question marks for a reason. I’m not actually sure if they are questions. Maybe they are, or maybe they are statements that just needed to be released from my brain. What ever they are, I’m sure that they came from the thoughts racing through my mind until they bounced out of my fingers and onto this screen.
I don’t know if this made sense but it needed to be written somewhere.
From my soul, Amelia Aztec
I’m actually not losing weight, eating better, getting a boyfriend, getting better grades or anything cliche like that. Maybe I’m dumb for not doing that stuff but I know myself and I have a terrible addiction that I need to kick this year.
It all started last year when I discovered my Achilles heal. Something that can destroy me but also build me up. The addiction I am now plagued with but resolved to get rid of, is makeup. I am obsessed with the creativity and the beauty of makeup. And so naturally I buy tons of it any time that I have any money. It is not good for my savings account or any account for that matter. I vow this year that I will not buy any makeup that I do not need. I will only replace products I run out of. I promise.
Too bad every time I talk about it, I sound like I’m convincing myself that I can do it.
Oh well, here’s to a new year without new makeup.
Love your addicted Amelia Aztec.
The teenage years are a time of extreme development and growth. They shape each teen into the person they will become, hopefully a contribution to society. But instead of encouraging teens to focus on growing and learning and surviving and getting ready to grow up, we throw busy work, life changing choices, and sleep deprivation at them. We force them to grow in the harshest environments, putting them through hell and waiting for them to succeed.
You want us to succeed in life? Then let us. Don’t make it impossible just for fun. Don’t treat us like stupid children and then make us choose our lives in a single moment. Don’t find joy in our misery because it doesn’t need to be like that.
High School really truly does not HAVE to be hellish. We can still make important decisions and do homework all that jazz but stop making us do useless crap instead of doing those things.
All I’m saying is the golden rule. If you wouldn’t do it, don’t make us. If we are going to make adult decisions, make us do adult busy work that will help us make good adult decisions. Or since we aren’t adults maybe don’t make us act like we are.
Love always, Amelia
There’s a place, an in between kind of place, where the darkness meets the daylight. This place is also a time, the time when our worlds switch. At dusk and dawn, two societies switch places, half of us go to bed and the other half wake up. Its the way it has always been and I’m beginning to question why.
I survive in the dead of night but am forced to neglect the light. It screams at me, yearning to touch my eyes with its rays of warmth. Despite its intense presence in the world, the Council has forbidden it. They say that I am not made to see the light, that I am not built for the heat and the rays beating through my translucent skin. Somehow they think that their petty words of consolation will stop my obsession. “The moon glows and the stars shine, you see light all the time. Dark light, perfect just for you.”
I have seen real light and let it take my breath away with its sliver of hope. It shone through the hell-black curtain that closes my world off from the heavenly light. Once I had glimpsed the light I knew that the darkness would never quench my thirst for the glow of the day. I need a way out of my world and into the other.
There must be someone who wants to experience the dull brilliance of the stars and moon, leaving their light behind. The Council couldn’t possibly refuse a trade. Right?
She gasped with excitement, over the roar of the helicopter.
“The floating islands in the sky are real!”
“No stupid, they’re mountains.”
Amelia glared at Michael. “I know. I was being dramatic, geez.”
It was her first time in the sky and she was freaking out. Amelia was failing at hiding the rapid rise and fall of her chest and her darting eyes. Michael flicked his eyes back to meet hers and reached his hand out to give her a reassuring squeeze. Her stomach fluttered and flipped. She wasn’t sure if it was due to the flight or the intense look in his eyes as he controlled the helicopter safely around the icy mountain tops.
Amelia’s breath escaped her parted lips in a contented sigh. Life was good. Michael looked back again and Amelia’s heart was brimming with gratitude that he was actually in her life. He was here with her and he loved her. They flew lower until it was time to land. Amelia found herself wishing that the ride would never end. But like all things, it must. They hit the helipad and shut the machine off.
Amelia un-clipped her seat belt and Michael swung the door open for her. He held out his arms for her and the moment before she landed in his warm embrace, Amelia woke up. Her heart soared and then sank as she realized that none of that could ever happen. It broke her heart.
Love always, Amelia Aztec
The one who can I have to go home to the game and I have no a lot to do that in my room for a op box office of a good day at work on my way to go back in to my friends and are a lot more to go. I don’t have the best of way about. I’m not a bad mood today is I don’t think I I’m going to be able to get a new one is going to be able to too I don’t know. I don’t have the same thing to do be able to see the same thing over as a result of a sudden it was the best of the year and I don’t have a lot of to go home now I’m just like a little bit more than one million dollars per year for me and you can get the best thing about it and the other side. I have a lot of fun with my mom is a real man who is a lot more to come on now that the two sides. The fact I don’t have the right to way too long to load up to date and time consuming to get a lot more fun than I am not a so called friends are like the new one is the only one of my those the are not the best of thing that would have a lot to more people. I have no clue who you think you can get the hang out soon I hope you had to do that to you but you can’t get enough sleep. The fact I don’t have the right thing to do that for a few weeks of a lot more to come back and I don’t have a good time with the best thing to say it was the best thing ever I want you in my life I love it and it is was so much better now that than I thought you would like it. The only thing I would be great a good idea of to be get my hair done and over I don’t think I that you can be used found a new one and the other hand I love it so I don’t think that it was not immediately a new phone is so much for me I love it so much better for you and you can do is to get my nails done tomorrow and I love it so and I love the fact is the most recent version is better.
Sleep has a way of taking the most random and easily accessible ideas and putting them together into a crazy night of insanity. Just like this was the suggested words from my phone keyboard, our brains draw from deep reserves of scary things and they become our dreams, entertainment for our subconscious. I don’t dream, but I’m sure this is what dreams are like for the average human.
It’s like a giant road block. This big thing clouding my view of the world, is adversity. To me, this word encompasses all of the problems, hardships, struggles and down days that I have had. It is something that can make or break us. In my fourth and fifth grade years, I was close with a very manipulative girl. She was my “friend” and yet I felt smothering sadness and despair around her. Slowly I realized that bullying was taking place. I was getting pushed around and it was hard! Those two years were probably that hardest two years I have ever experienced. I had to decide for myself, whether I would stand up for me and my right to be an independent individual or let this girl destroy me bit by bit. It wasn’t easy. Adversity never is. But now, I know who I am. I know that my thoughts matter. I know that someone can’t and shouldn’t choose everything for me. I know now, because of this struggle, that I am important. I learned a tough lesson in a hard way but I am better because of it. So my advice is: Don’t let anyone or anything get in the way of you becoming who you are. Adversity is here so we can discover the truth about ourselves. All we need to do is push through. It’ll all work out in the end.